We are not talking about superficially things here, like holding the door open for you or picking up the check at dinner. What is it that you need in order to feel peaceful and at ease in a particular relationship?
Some are confused when trying to answer this question.
For me it has become easy. I pay attention to my internal clock.
If someone seems to be consistently working my last nerve, I am obviously not getting what I require and need to set a boundary. If in my mind I am grabbing their head, ripping it off their body, and drop kicking it, I need to get myself in check! So, if you are
- Yelling at the kids
- Snapping at your significant other
- Bitching about a co-worker
- Honking the horn way too much
- Complaining to every service provider you encounter
- Any other situation that you are not happy with the way you’re acting
Take a look at yourself and know you require something different.
Try and identify very specifically what that something is. Is it peace and quiet, compliance, respect, or action? Remember, you need to know what you can and can’t control. As much as it may frustrate you sometimes, the answer is YOU and YOU only.
What are some boundaries you have set that have freed your mind? Please share by commenting below!
Last week I challenged you to look at what you could and could not control. How did that go? If you are anything like me, it is both challenging and humbling to admit how many things we want to control that we simply cannot. So now what?
There are three main things to remember at this point:
So if you are like me you need it clear and simple.
- What do I require?
- What will I do if I don’t get what I require?
Simple! Or one would think. I realized that the reason it was hard initially to set boundaries is that when I do it right, I create mutual accountability. This requires diligence on my part because boundaries only work if I am clear and follow through, which requires work on my part. When other therapists ask me how I am successful with families that have continually failed in family therapy, I explain that accountability is the key. My program insists that every family member be accountable. When this happens you will see the following changes:
- People around you will feel safe.
- Anxiety will decrease because expectations are clear.
- Confidence will grow as you see how boundaries give you healthy control.
So give it a try! Spend some time looking at where boundaries are needed and pick some easier ones to start. You will be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.