The One That Got Away
My oldest son lives with his Dad. This is the first time I’ve said it this way, the honest way.
For the past 10 months if anyone asked about him, I would say that he was fine and staying with his dad most of the time. Which is almost true.
He left for good shortly after we moved to our new house. He gave the high school a try but after a semester wanted no more of it. I can’t say that I blame him. Changing friends and routines during high school, or anytime for that matter, is difficult.
I knew this might happen. We only moved two towns away, but it may as well be the moon when your 16 and in love for the first time. So I went about the business of hoping. I hoped that he wouldn’t want to leave me. I hoped that he’d meet a girl or make a friend. I hoped that he couldn’t bear to be away from his siblings. I hoped, and then I hoped some more.
But the day came when he told me that he was unhappy and wanted to go back to his old life. And the only way he could do this is if he lived with his Dad. I knew that if I didn’t let him go I’d lose him forever.
If you had told me there was going to be a bright side to this story, I would’ve scratched your eyes out, at least in my head. My boy was leaving me early. No more sitting on his bed while he shows me funny YouTube videos. No more yelling in the morning to get out of bed and the shower and the kitchen. No more Saturday evening movie watching. No more telling him to clean his room. No more.
As it turns out, I have much to be thankful for. While I miss him dearly, he is with his father who adores him as much as I do, which gives me great comfort.
My ex and I came to this decision jointly and respectfully, a far cry from the days when ordering take out could end in tears.
But most importantly, I’ve developed compassion. Anyone who has been through a divorce (or even lived with a man for a period of time) knows that this is sometimes hard to come by. I now understand all that he lost. In the end, it’s the small things we miss. It must have broken his heart to lose the cartoons, homework, and lazy Saturdays these past years. Now he has an opportunity to get some of that back, and I’m truly happy for him.
Life is hard. But in between the difficulties there’s such beauty. I continue to pray for the willingness to see the good. I’m finding that if I look hard enough it’s always there.
I hope you find beauty in your world today.
Love,
Becky
Posted on November 1, 2012, in Home and tagged acceptance, children, compassion, families, grief, healing, High school, loss. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.
To find the silver lining in any situation is how I truly try to live my life. Some days it is easier than others. Some situations are easier than others. I think it is much easier to find the negative; therefore, almost a cop out. But, it builds character to search out the good in a bad situation, otherwise I will have not learned my lesson from that particular trial! Thanks for the reminder that I/we are on the right path by living this way!
You are right, we do need to find the silver lining AND pass it along to others. Thanks for sharing, Tavia!
Love,
Becky
Hi B,
This is a great story. I have a soon to be 17 year old. He wants to be around me less & less. He will choose to sometimes stay an additional day with his Dad. I think it’s important for a Mom to let go for a bit, with her teenage son, and let him learn “male life skills” with their Father. We had them for so many years as a baby, toddler & pre-teen. We’ve done our job, a “darn” good one at that.
Our son’s will always love us, even more as they get in their mid -20′s. They will always find time to come home with their dirty laundry & to have their favorite meal we always cook for them.
Have a great day B
dd
Thank you for the encouraging words, DD. It’s so nice to know there are others on the same journey!
This is really touching. Made me appreciate the little things that generally make me crazy, like screaming at my kids to start the shower every night.
Haha! We do have to yell, don’t we? Appreciating takes practice but the results are amazing. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!
Love,
Becky
The teen age years are the worst for parents. But when the foundation is strong, the relationship will hold. I know this from my own experience. My son is now 42 years old, and we are very close, but it was not easy being the parent of a teenage boy. You and your son are going to be OK, trust me.
Thank you for your comment and for caring!
Love,
Becky
Becky,it took so much for you to bear your soul for all of us reading this blog. I am so proud of you for doing that and also for learning that some times it is not all about you but about the people you love and mostly your children. You are doing a great job. Life is hard and yes in between there is great beauty. You are a remarkable women. hugs Arlene
I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Arlene. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your support and kindness.
Love,
Becky
I love you BeckaaBoo.
I love you too, Mom. Thank you for always being there for me!
Becky, my son did a similar thing, chose to go back to his friends after we had moved 3000 miles away. he had just turned 18 and here he was, wanting to be with is friends rather than his family. It broke my heart. Now he is 32 and he thanks me for. “letting him go”. He struggled on his own, Finishing up school, getting a part time job etc, but if I had not given him what he was asking for he would have taken it anyway and I would have lost him.
Thank you so much for sharing, Elaine. I guess it’s true that we have to let them go to keep them… Your comment is greatly appreciated!
Love,
Becky
Hi Becky…You are a very courageous woman and what a great example of stepping out of your comfort zone. You give hope and inspiration to all the women (and men) who read this. Being divorced from your spouse does not mean divorcing your children. Kudos to you and your ex for growing enough to be able to be good parents. Your son is blessed! Letting go is never easy and sometimes neither is compassion; but by doing both of those things you have a new appreciation for your ex and your son has what he needs at this moment.
You gave your son two things he will need for the rest of his life….Roots and Wings…he will always have his roots with you and now you give him wings to fly his way
Thank you from the bottom to the tip top of my heart for your comment, Deb. I will hold it close when times get tough.
Love,
Becky